Is it possible that silence can be deafening? The air is thick with it and when I strain to listen, all I hear are the thoughts I want to get out of my head. We sit on opposite corners of the sectional, as far as we can get from each other and still be in the same room. We’ve been “talking” (loudly and at each other) and trying to communicate our feelings and needs to one another, but somehow, both of us are just missing it. We’ve been here a thousand times over the years. Different dance, same beat. Chances are we’ll be here again. And if you’ve been married for any number of years, you know how exhausting it can be.
It seems as though it has been a year since this kind of tension has filled our house. Day by day we’ve gotten more comfortable with everything. Day by day we begin forgetting to choose each other first. Day by day we slowly forget that we must bend toward each other and we begin to bend away.
There’s a break in the conversation and I stare at the wall. Slowly, the words in the piece of art that hangs over the television come into focus. Sigh. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t force itself on others. It isn’t always “me first”. Love doesn’t fly off the handle, love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others. Sigh. Inwardly, I’m groaning. Ugh. Even if I’m right, I’m in the wrong here.
It isn’t uncommon for God to use my own tricks to bring me face to face with Himself. I hung that sign on the wall in our hone to remind my children of what love really looks like; to remind them that this is what it looks like to obey the most important commandment. And here I am needing it to sink in to my own heart…again.
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Over and over in my life, God has brought me to places like this. He’s brought me face to face with His truth and the truth of my own heart. While I’ve gotten better at it, still I disobey. I put my needs or wants first, I fly off the handle, I keep score. And each time I’m here, I’m left feeling broken, ashamed, shackled. When my sinful self brings me to moments like this, I feel the weight of my wrongs because I know [in my spirit] what is right and good and true.
True freedom cannot exist when I am not yielding, surrendering or being obedient to God’s word and commands.
The thing of it is, freedom cannot exist when I am not yielding, surrendering or being obedient to God’s word and commands. Like I do with my children, our Father has made boundaries and commandments which enable and allow us to live in freedom, freedom under His power and reign. When I choose to pull up the reigns, when I choose to take control, when I choose to lose control, essentially, I am choosing to live in slavery to sin. Each time I face this, I realize more and more that I am not meant to be here; that I have the power to do the better thing and the best thing. I have the choice to choose His way and will or my own way and will. Choosing any other than His would be choosing to be disobedient. The Spirit of the Lord cannot dwell in disobedience and sin.
When we choose to submit and surrender to His design, not only will we find freedom, but we will find promises. When we return to Him [again], He promises to begin anew, to start fresh, to rebuild (Jeremiah 31). When we obey and yield to His way, He promises us hope for our future. When we bow down and abide with Him, He promises to lead us. When we, repeatedly, give our hearts to Him, He promises grace and forgiveness. “And in any heart where the Spirit of the Lord is present, there is liberty.” (2 Corinthians 3:17) In a surrendered and obedient heart, freedom is found.
••••••••••
So, once more, I do what I only have left to do: I surrender and obey the Lord. I stop talking. I pray. I apologize. I bite the inside of my cheek. I am kind, I trust, I hope, I believe, I even endure. And eventually we are through the storm. I come back to Him again and I begin to reflect His light and love again. And with certainty, I know that because of my obedience, my repentance, something new is already breaking ground.