I’m Stretched Thin

What have I learned about love?

I’ve learned that it stretches you far beyond what you’d ever imagine you could withstand. I’ve learned that for those you love, you must delve deep into your own pain and stories to find healing so that you can grow closer—so your love can widen and deepen. I’ve learned that, though it is often confusing and excruciating, it’s best to let Love carry you into the unknown rather than fighting against the waves of uncertainty. I’ve learned that Love is always finding the light, always seeking to repair, always seeking to care. I’ve learned that the safest place to be is surrendered to the bold and brilliant Love that leads you to find rest.

Nothing has stretched me more than being a mother (save marriage). Growing children in my womb, protected and safe. Then they are suddenly out in the world, exposed to brokenness and beauty. Raising them, holding their hands, keeping them close and teaching them to think wisely and well, to form their own beliefs, to follow through, to become. And then they do, and they release me from their grip, and they move off into the world. And all I can do is trust that they are held, that, though they will face hardship, they will somehow be okay. They will be refined, sharpened, softened. They will pass through unsteady seasons and spaces. And they will be okay.

I’m stretched thin. And when I think I can’t be stretched further, the Lord in His mercy says, “more.” This stretching is a groaning, an aching, a moaning, weeping, clinging, and hoping. Love, always on its way to draw us closer to Christ, is not content to leave us shallow and unchanged. I’m trying to stay soft, malleable, open to possibility. And in this, Love persists. Insists. Love aims to broaden my perspective, invite me into mystery, take me into the unknown, and awaken me. Love is always searching, convicting, repairing, redeeming, restoring. Love is always finding the light, always seeking to help me find the light, embrace the light, stay in the light. Love is lighting the way. Always lighting. Love and light, always.

I don’t know how my children’s stories will unfold, but I know—and have to trust—that Love is lighting their paths.

Last week, my daughter asked me about motherhood—what is it like to be a mother? This entry is what unraveled.