discovered.

At the beginning of the year, I created a theme for myself. A one word project that would keep me thinking and leaning towards this word throughout the year. My word for 2010 was “discover“. A lot has happened this year. I learned a lot about myself, how I function, what makes me function well and what’s not so good for me. I learned what I crave most in relationships. I learned about forgiveness and choices. Among these, here’s a list of what I’ve discovered about me and life…

1. My heart is bigger than I ever imagined.
2. The prayers I pray often don’t turn out the way I think they will.
3. I can be an incredibly patient person.
4. I can be an incredibly impatient person.
5. I am judgmental and opinionated and I hate it.
6. I have an uncontrollable urge to over analyze and over think things.
7. I didn’t know what my dreams were until I gave them to God asked him to show me…Sometimes I still don’t know what they are, but I trust He’s shaping them for me because all things come through him.
8. I need to relax more and often.
9. I need true genuineness in the people around me.
10. I need to surrender more often.
11. I need honest people in my life who don’t fluff words up to make them pretty.
12. I desire loyalty in relationships.
13. I have got to let things go–specifically: guilt, condemnation, bitterness–to allow things to grow.
14. I feel as if I am not ever doing enough.
15. I am vulnerable to a handful of people. I think, in order to nurture more meaningful relationships with the people around me, I have to give more and guard my heart less.
16. Perfection is unattainable…it’s much harder to try to be perfect than to just be who I am.
17. I am very cautious.
18. I am constantly changing, moving forward, becoming who I am meant to be. It’s okay if I fall short. It’s okay to not meet my own expectations.
19. I want to cook more.
20. I need to practice compassion and mercy for other people.
21. I am incredibly grateful for my gift of vision and the ability to produce it into something tangible.
22. I want to focus on business less…family, personal art, ministry and loving more.
23. I like crafting but can’t always execute it.
24. If you listen, God does really give you the answers…sometimes clearly, sometimes not so clearly, but they’re there if you pull back and just sit still and listen.
25. I like order and steps and boundaries.
26. I want to be a better communicator with my husband.
27. I want to create more and differently. I’m not sure what that means yet.
28. I miss my sisters and wish we were closer.
29. Watching love unfold is pretty awesome.
30. The devil is a master of disguise, preying where we are most vulnerable, trying to trick us into thinking what he wants so he can have his way. In these moments, I am learning to discern what is truth and false, what is honest and what is not, what my spirit is saying and what my soul is trying to say. I suppose this is where my over-thinking comes in handy 🙂
31. Transformation is scary and hard and crazy and joyful and amazing all at the same time.
32. Kingdom thinking is crucial.
33. The laughter of my children playing with my husband makes me so incredibly happy.

I’m sure there are a lot more things I’ve discovered. Unfortunately, I didn’t write them all down. As I reflect on the list, it seems to be more negative than positive. Which is weird, because, despite certain events that happened this year, it was for the most part a good year. I think it’s my nature to find the things that I need to work on instead of celebrating the positives. I was more distracted than ever, but I think that’s due to the fact that my spiritual self is battling with my soulful self, my earthly wants are becoming Kingdom wants, leaving a life behind of self-fulfilling and becoming, instead, more giving.

As this year comes to a close, I am thinking about next year’s theme. I think it’s going to be “live love”. That’s a big one, though, that encompasses a lot. And to be honest, it’s a bit frightening because, to me, the phrase seems to hold so much accountability. But I suppose, in an effort to grow, one has to be held accountable.